Breathe
She breathes old stone and winding lanes,
cathedrals, ley lines, sacred sites.
When John of Gaunt spoke of the right
this England had, Her hills, Her plains -
see, they’re still here. Deep-six that sneer,
dare venture from your Tarmac veins.
Stay silent in a field at night,
and breathe old stone and winding lanes.
☆
This is an Octain, a form I invented just yesterday, prompted by friends asking me when I was going to devise one of my own.
Structure –
eight lines as two tercets and a couplet, eight syllables per line with the first line repeated (as much as possible) as the last. Meter is iambic or trochaic tetrameter, but fine to just count eight syllables per line for those who prefer that.
Rhyme scheme -
A-b-b
a-c/c-a
b-A
(A = repeated refrain line. c/c refers to line five having midline (internal) rhyme (here/sneer, in this case), which is different to the a- and b-rhymes. Any extra midline rhyme is a bonus)
Anybody wanna try writing one? I need testers (so far five people have tried it, aside from myself). Oh, go on…
ah yes – love it – think i love it even more the more often i read it …breathe old stone and winding lanes… this goes straight to the heart
This I really enjoyed. Tightly written and nicely wrapped.
Thanks Claudia and Forpuck- I was trying to capture what it is that I love about this ancient isle I live on. I changed the ‘forget that beer’ bit to ‘deep-six that sneer’ – does that work? Perhaps ‘deep-six that beer’ would be better?
Lovely, I’ll give it a go, but not tonight! Reminded me of standing in Stonehenge at summer solstice waiting for the ghosts of kings gone by to grab my dew soaked ankles. Great!
The form is really neat, Luke!! Very interesting.. I think I will give it a shot myself!!
Oh, and those old stone and winding lanes — a definite attraction!!! Loved the repetition too… it really seemed to have an added effect!
I like the last two lines very much, so vivid, the kind of words that almost make you feel you’re inside the sentences …
An interesting structure to the poem…did find the last two lines rather delightful also.
I am a completely unskilled, free verse writer, but I know when i have read good writing.. that was good writing… well done..
http://juluca27.blogspot.com/
I especially like the last two lines. They’re evocative enough to stand on their own, particularly when paired with the image.
So romantic in its memories. I love the last two lines!
Mine is here. http://razzamadazzle.wordpress.com/2010/12/14/waiting-for-persephone/
The Prater. Someday, they’re gonna call it that. Loved it.
Love the sound…of this Octain….very nice Luke…bkm
nice…loving the feel of sitting in that field breathing…intriguing form…ever the creator luke…
A straightforward but graceful feel to your new form, Luke, and a fine poem to illustrate it.
Excellent – having your own form, always a pleasure to see the inventiveness. Adds another level to the art produced. Lovely dedication to a lovely looking site – good sound and feel to the image. Where exactly is this, might I ask?
Hi Chris – thanks for your kind words. This is the Avebury Stone Circle in Wiltshire
i imagine me in this view, taking pictures then enjoying the simple pleasures of looking at them
really liked this, great picture too. I may have a go at an Octain myself, I thank you.
I think I ‘invented’ a rhyming scheme myself recently, although I’m certainly no expert on the subject, and I have no idea what I would call it.
High Octain One Shot, Luke!
As I said on the group Luke,this piece has a really spiritual feel to it and had me wanting to escape to the beautiful Preseli mountains, to Carn Ingli or Pentre Ifan perhaps. Love the mention of Gaunt’s speech in Richard II. So much to like
‘cathedrals, ley lines, sacred sites.’ – such ancient echoes in this line
‘Tarmac veins’ – poetic dynamite.
Thank you for the prompt to write something in this new form. I don’t usually enjoy writing to prescription but your piece stirred something quite spiritual in me.
Thanks Carys – I really enjoyed writing something more spiritual, and actually realised I’ve had a yearning for it for quite a while. Still not sure if the back-end of line five is working – ‘deep-six that sneer’ – work for you?
I had to think a minute about Tarmac veins…very powerful and poetic way of saying get off those roads and outta those cars! I liked this invention. You used it well with a powerful plea in your unique poetic voice!
Left you a ridiculously long twitlonger tweet.
I love it Luke! Nice form and great imagery. I’ll have to try this form out, but not now as I’m mid exams. I’ll let you know when I do!
It this is what we expect from our facial expression site leader ! well done Luke !
Thanks all for your comments
It’s grown on me. Do you think the line would work better like this though?
look, they’re still here, deep-six that sneer;
just a thought.
Yes I think that’s better. Thanks x
Enjoyed the form and the travel to sacred spaces, Luke. There is much to revere on that isle of yours, including splendid poetry–ancient and contemporary.
Thanks Victoria. Actually it’s been nuts on the Group, several of us trying new forms by the day, including this one I invented. Nine of these (excluding this) have now been written. So it’s had a god test drive. Wanna try one?
I love those lines “She breathes old stone and winding lanes”
You did it, designed one… :) It turned out really good too. :)
Interesting form. Especially like the opening stanza. The close works nicely as well.
I like it very much. The structure is creative! Not sure how I would fair trying it out. I leave it up to the expert ;). Thank you for sharing!
Thanks River, poemblaze and Corbie for your comments, my friends
Yes…Old stone and winding lanes is timeless.
I agree with Heather about calling the form “the Prater”!
Hehe well ‘Pratameter’ or a ‘Luket’ were suggested but I think ‘Octain’ is best (seeing as it does have both eight lines and eight syllables per line, plus a double one (back-to-back, using the same refrain line) will be called a ‘High Octain’…). Cheers mate
lol, makes me think someone ought to write one about BP.
hehe
Shoot! I was hoping you’d call it “the Prater” lol Seriously, very well done in adherence to form and also in drawing from historical figures / imagery. Cheers
Very powerful and poetic! I’ve always had a deep respect for poets who can adhere to a certain form as I’ve never really been able to; I’m much more of a “color outside the lines” type of person.
Well done!
Very powerful, really enjoyed this one. I’ll give your invention a try, though I rarely write using any forms, but I keep thinking I should try to. I really like your discipline when it comes to writing.
Thanks all for the visit and taking time to read and comment – much appreciated
glad to have stumbled in here.. love this one… great rhythm in your form…. thanks.
Cheers Samantha
Really fascinating taking on creating your own poetic form! Much enjoyed this flow, as though standing right there amidst the stones taking in that air. I know very little of “breaking down” creative writing forms, so reading this and then how it was derived was interesting. I’d love to try something like it, however, at this time it would be like putting up a bordering wall that says I can’t go any further, and I’m processing how to break them down. :) Excellent writing.
Oh I do like both the poem and the configuration. Congrats on finding your own structure.
Thanks a lot, Jamie, much appreciated. Fifteen have now been written (two by me, the rest by friends on the Facebook poetry group/Facebook poetry friends – ah actually Kavita was one, she blogged it already, I believe). Seems to work, so I’m pleased about that. Thanks for dropping in, my friend. Was just thinking about paying you a visit!
I will try my hand and let you know when I do. Thanks for the inspiration, my friend.
Happy New Year!
HNY to you too! Let’s make it one of purpose and peace and healing of the one and the many
Great poems, both Octains. Nice format (in a sadistic sort of way.) I did try it out but really had trouble keeping my meter. Anyway, if you like you can see it here http://writinginthebachs.blogspot.com/2010/12/come-away-octain.html
Oh, and thanks for your comments on my Rictameter. Iambs seem to come more naturally for me than trochains, go figure. Are you, or were you ever a teacher? You seem to be a natural. Anyway, thanks.
Your ‘pen pal’
-Mary
Cheers Mary. Hey I made sure, when devising the Octain, that people who weren’t confident/interested in writing in iambs or trochees could just make sure there were 8 syllables per line. That’s what the majority of those who have written them did (yours is number sixteen, I believe). Forget the iambic meter if it’s too difficult and feels like it’s restricting your expression.
Posted my Octain with linkback to this post of yours. Thanks.
Cheers Sheila