Catholics, Bankers and Other Self-Pleasurers
.
If onanism means we’ll read in Braille,
Hellish future for mistakes committed.
If Papal dignity is to prevail,
counting of these sins should be omitted.
Forget it, mate, let’s oil the rusted gate;
for my sake, please take these acts committed,
and let my swelling diction penetrate.
Children grow up guilty private bankers,
(or laundering the stains, at any rate).
Vatican stays gold, like Dow high-rankers.
Urinals at the Vatican... (pinch of salt here - and Photoshopping by someone as yet unnamed. Too good to miss though)
Form – newly invented! Stress Matrix Stanza/Dectet (aka Stress Checkerboard Stanza/Dectet). 10 lines, 10 syllables per line.
a-B-a | B-c-B-c | D-c-D
where lowercase are iambic pentameter and uppercase are trochaic pentameter – they alternate the whole way, giving a perfect ‘checkerboard’ of stressed and unstressed syllables, ten lines down x ten syllables across (=100 syllables completely evenly distributed and the rhyme scheme also utterly even/symmetrical mathematically). For those unable to do the iamb/trochee thing, you could try it just counting ten syllables per line. You’ll be missing my main aim of the stress checkerboard, but it may well still be a nice form. We wait and see…
If I highlight the stressed syllables (and remove the stanza-breaks), you can more clearly see the ‘checkerboard’ of stresses and unstresses evenly distributed over the 10×10 (100) -
if O | na NI | sm MEANS | we’ll READ | in BRAILLE,
HELL ish | FU ture | FOR mi | STAKES com | MI tted.
if PA | pal DI | gni TY | is TO | pre VAIL,
COUN ting | OF these | ‘SINS’ should | BE o | MI tted.
for GET | it, MATE, | let’s OIL | the RUST | ed GATE;
FOR my | SAKE, please | TAKE these | ACTS com | MI tted,
and LET | my SWELL | ing DIC | tion PEN | e TRATE.
CHILD ren | GROW up | GUIL ty | PRI vate | BANK ers,
(or LAUN | der ING | the STAINS, at AN | y RATE).
VAT i | CAN stays | GOLD, like | DOW high | RANK ers.
No offence to any Catholics :) I’m sure you can see that this is a statement agains the old-school belief that masturbation is sinful and unhealthy. We have a common word for it in Britain – ‘wank’/'to wank’/'wanker’ (hence the ‘bankers’ etc).
Thanks to poet friend Carys for the brilliant title (all but the ‘Catholics’ part, which I added. Am I going to Hell now? :) )
tight luke…those urinals are a little scary, cant be real can they…too much like a sex act, going to the bathroom with a nun staring…let my swelling diction penetrate…lol
Not offended? I waiting to see just how many friends I’ll lose within the week… cheers Brian. Oh hey – did the new form work as a poem for you? Flow ok? It’s experimental.
So not offended. offended by the urinals, though!
Loved the new form.
Luke, your poem is great, in style and the way you present a serious issue. It read wonderfully.
That said, I must say you have given me the best Virgin Mary siting to date. I’ve seen reports of them on trees, buildings, bridges, toilet seats, and various foods, but Vatican urinals beats them all. The reason being that the other sitings are by people whose faith is sincere, most of the time, and who are also imbued with some threads of superstition. Vatican prelates and such should know better.
If there is any disrespect to accuse people of, it is the Vatican, not you, assuming they are in fact Vatican urinals. My first question has to do with mental competency. That, of course, after having a good laugh at the ridiculousness of such an object. Perversion seems deeply seated in those who stand there. I doubt they are praying for forgiveness. Perhaps they should lower them to kneeling height.
Thank you for your poem and a laugh.
Heather and Suzanne – thanks you for your positive responses to a poem I was tentative to post for fear of offending any friends or others who may be Catholic. Suzanne, a thoughtful response indeed, thank you. I agree entirely… though I must state that though it looks to be real, I am still trying to find out for absolute sure that these are actually the urinals at the Vatican. The comedy value was enough to put the picture up though (the poem has a lot of light-heartedness, though the thought and message behind it I feel strongly about). Can anyone confirm this?
Also – did my experimental new form work for you as a readable poem? Thanks for the comments both
Thank you, Luke, for your reply, visit and comment. I appreciate that very much. Also, thanks for clarifying the uncertainty of the urinals. I suppose the fact that it wouldn’t surprise me made me consider the veracity of the urinals as situated in the Vatican.
Now, as to your new invented Stress Matrix Stanza/Dectet. I am not the best person to test this on, but I found it difficult to read. I am accustomed to a different flow of poetry, so my stress increased. I did read it, but it required lots of work for me. Had I not had the preceding poem, I think I would have gotten lost and maybe quit reading.
I speak not as a poet, only as a rather average reader, who is untrained in poetry. Still, I don’t lack appreciation. So, I applaud your creativity and inventiveness.
PS I did a little looking around and may have found the source of those urinals. A Chinese 1000 toilet, 4 story structure that is meant to encourage relieving oneself in other than the street. http://oddculture.com/weird-news-stories/toilet-culture-china/ There may be others elsewhere, but that is what I found on a short search. There are other toilets representing crocodiles, and even the statue of the Las Vegas showgirl’s posteriors, my own home territory. LOL
It is still funny.
Thanks for the feedback Suzanne. I just found this on Wiki Answers, confirming that these are NOT the actual Vatican urinals, but yes in China they do appear to have urinals in all kinds of forms, including the Virgin Mary –
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_it_true_that_urinals_in_the_Vatican_look_like_Virgin_Mary
The poem is awesome and rich with meaning. The experiment with form works for me. The urinals? Just point me in the right direction.
haha great response Dan. Thanks for stopping by
Master of form and inventing some new ones? Bloody brilliant man. As much as I enjoy dick & fart jokes, I don’t know what the pisser looks like in the Vatican, so there is little I can add to that conversation. However, I would be very interested to know how you came up with the form itself. Did you follow other forms and design it as a derivative? Or do you have another manner of elucidating the rules of form that the poem will follow? Just curious because you have such a mastery of so many different styles/forms. Stunning to see what can be done with a simple set of rules expressed over a multitude of words matched with an interesting theme. Fine work man, great job.
crb.
ps – Yes, you are correct. Banksters are scum. Don’t forget to thank our betters for rising food & fuel prices. Doesn’t it make life much easier to not even worry about the whole ‘eating’ thing? lol…. The only thing we need to worry about is riots & revolutions. D’oh!
crb.
Thanks for the comments, CF. In terms of the form, because I write in so many different ones, I get have a strong sense of what I like (and don’t like) about structured poetry… this one very much a concept first that I worked the form around – the concept being the stress/syllable checkerboard/matrix. I’ve never seen it done before, but likely as not it has, somewhere by someone, if only as a one-off experiment. The key to this was always going to be alternating iambic meter with trochaic meter (the opposite), so the stresses fall in that checkerboard pattern. Whether it’s actually readable as a poem is another matter. Takes some getting used to, as most metered poetry sticks to one kind of metrical foot the whole way (usually iambs, like a sonnet). This form is so complex technically that no-one may try it, but it was fun devising it. I am allowing people to simply count ten syllables per line instead of doing it properly metered, though, which makes it a lot easier. They’ll still get the 10 lines by 10 syllables per line graph but miss on the stress checkerboard. My other form, the Octain, has really taken off, we’ve had 60 written so far! (Only 4 by me). It’s simpler… in some ways. More accessible, certainly.
You got the play on bankers/wankers I presume. Such a very British term that hehe
Thanks for reading
So not offended by the poem, though maybe I find the urinals disconcerting since I love goddess images and she is one in my mind.
Well done and appreciate all the explaination/clarification. Interesting. I’d forgotten about the latter. The poem fell into place when I read it. We do have to remember we are writing for an international audience. Isn’t that amazing.
Poem on, my friend. Good job!
Cheers Jamie, thanks for your visit my friend x
I am intrigued by the form. It’s one I’m going to try even though it will probably frustrate the daylights out of me. We’ll see if it ever appears before any eyes other than mine. Alternating meters may be the death of me.
There is a conciseness to the expression of opinion, one that leaves little gray area in the thoughts. Forgive the past and move forward, present day should take precedence, toss in the value of religious tradition in the modern-day world and we could be talking for hours.
Thanks. Love it. I’ll let you know if my attempt ever sees sunlight.
Beth
Thanks Beth. If this one turns out too difficult (and you could try counting ten syllables instead of alternating iambs/trochees), then maybe try the Octain? It’s more accessible technically.