loiter the tryst
covet covert lust
lollygag triptych timbre
rehearsal in triplicate
intricate self-discontent
unwilling, yet went
unsent unsoldered
unsold, yet rent; runt
ungiven, yet leant
unforgiven unshriven; grunt -
skyline severs stars from clay
inkyblack clumps, silvery dots
thinkback rotting hay sweats
Welcome to WordSalad, where I hope to put more avocado, feta cheese and olives in the bowl than cheap iceberg lettuce (though I think we all appreciate a wild Romaine heart... give me a hot-blooded Gypsy anyday). Organic Balsamic vinegar may get thrown about with reckless abandon; forgive me if I get some in your eye, or if any of my ingredients are not to your taste.
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Some strong lines here, as I read (and it is probably just me) tinged with disdain. Everyone can lay claim to covert lust at one time of their life or another, if they are honest, and isn’t discontent intricate always? The hay reference is kind of lost on me. It has a bite that I understand. Strong work, brother.
The flashback rotting hay sweats leads me down a road of memories to sweet grass burning and visions brought on by starvation! I too get a sense of disdain, but that’s not to say we can’t change, right? Look at that skyline… Wonderful Weave as always…and I hang my head and shame and think one day…one day
@Beth thanks Sister Bethany. This one sprung from using some words I’ve been wantig to for a while, and the theme developed as I went. Sometimes my poetry works that way. it’s a little cryptic I know, but the tags beneath give enough away. The rotting hay reminiscences (or nightmares) are of sleeping in a barn.
@Natasha one day what? You’re published aren’t ya? ;-) Cheers Tash. Oh I just altered the end a little
Strong stuff indeed. Last line is better than original on email.
Ah those were the days my friend and I think it is true that the excitement of lust morphs into self-contempt over time.
Anna :o]
@Anna :o] thanks Anna, appreciate that
I swear I’m not a farm girl, but the last line made me think of the old ‘roll in the hay’ (maybe gone sour). Could you possibly fit any more in any less? I doubt it. I too am enamored with, ‘skyline severs stars from clay’
Thanks sister that’s much appreciated
“loiter the tryst” … This is so good. Maybe it’s over, finished, but you can’t let go of the moment, so you linger, hang around for no good reason at all. Actually, maybe the tryst isn’t yours. That’s right. You’re watching. And you’re wishing you had what you’re watching. So what’s happening in threes? What main event is being rehearsed for? … Makes me think of those decorative folding dividers you might change clothes behind. Three changes. Three “encounters,” more to come. “Unwilling but went,” thinking of Jonah going to Nineveh. But unsent, so he’s pulled but doesn’t want to be. You don’t belong to anyone; there’s no ultimate possession or eternal belonging … only borrowed, only used. “Unshriven” … whew, that gives me chills. Looking at the skyline to avoid the earthbound. Stars: Abraham’s offspring, the multitude, that which shines and bears light, succeeds, has power, unlimited. Clay: ground, limited, moldable, people. There is great contrast between what is and what you want to be/have.
The last is my favorite line: “thinkback rotting hay sweats” … Word combinations: “thinkback rotting” = memories fading, distorted, decayed, grotesque; “rotting hay” = food source/life/bedding/vitality/nourishment/success all destroyed, twisted, ruined, lost; “hay sweats” = summer, lust, sex, rain … definitely wet from runoff of some kind … totally picked up on the barn vibe
Sorry for thinking “outloud”; this one really grabbed me. I’m so glad you’re back, Luke.
I think this is perhaps the first poem I’ve read of yours that didn’t immediately click with me in terms of meaning. It is cryptic, but I think I can work it out. Sad. skyline severs stars from clay- that’s the glittering poetry for me.
nice…sorry i am late to the party been out with the fam…some really great alliteration through out and in bit of an un- river there towards the end…love it when you make words bend…like your first three lines…hot stuff man…great to see something new by you as well…
Oh, great master of words. I enjoyed this. No rushing thru, had to stop and think about each line slowly. Always enjoy your post…but this one in particular for the choice combination of words and phrases.
Peace,
Siggi in Downeast Maine, USA
i love the wordplay here luke… the poem masterfully underlines this uncomfortable feeling, the scratching along the edge when things are not quite right, when they don’t fit, when we don’t fit…maybe it’s just me but hey…i know a great teacher who once gave me a lesson about intentional fallacy…smiles
and hey..thanks for your lovely words on my post yesterday… made me smile and feel all warm..thank you…will try to be around a bit more..
This makes for very painful reading Luke…. much stronger emotions than disdain are reverberating when I read this. Their strength is magnified by the intricate aural work..shades of rhyme showing connections between the players and the very real experience of human fallibility. It’s well-crafted and strongly felt… so memorable poetry.
I’m always intrigued by your word choices. The last line was very real for me.
Thanks you all for stopping by and reading/commenting, even if it is a little cryptic…
@Claudia I’ll try as well, Cloudy :)
Look cool write. Love the assonance and consonance in here, really helped paint the tone as well as aided in flow. Fine job. Thanks
Great lines here…loiter the tryst
covet covert lust
lollygag triptych timbre
rehearsal in triplicate……
Picked up on the uneasiness…the pieces not fitting….unhappy….and then the powerful last line…thinkback rotting hay sweats. Good piece, Luke!
Thanks Fred and Ayala, always appreciate your comments
@Shawna I forgot to thank you specifically for such an astute and in-depth commentary of the piece. You’re very insightful. This is no easy poem to glean snatches of meaning (let alone an ostensible Narrative) from. Cheers my friend
@Luke Prater
Digging deep to find an insightful response is kind of the point of reading poetry. The best work is that which one can connect with and delve into with all fours, getting mud, paint, and words buried under his/her nails. Don’t you think? :)
Because of you, I’ve had the word “rent” dancing around in my head lately. It found its way into one of my poems yesterday.
great word. In which sense did you use it?
@Luke Prater
in the ripped apart/divided sense
Here’s the link if you want to give it a glance:
http://rosemarymint.wordpress.com/2012/01/29/the-color-of-music/
But I covet your feedback on this tiny poem:
http://rosemarymint.wordpress.com/2012/01/29/unlimited-undercurrents/
@Shawna There is that implication (I can never resist wordplay), but primarily in that line it’s literally for rent – ie leased out for money – prostituted, if a person
I’m wondering if all this revolves around the rehearsal, (or insufficient rehearsal, or lack of) process?
Back again and enjoyed it just as much, Luke. A strong showing. @Beth
I was rocking with your meter. Well done!
Cheers,
Mark Butkus
Great poem. Has the feel of sound poetry, but it carries a coherent story line in its surreal imagery/wording.
Strong write and great word play!
Strong write.
Your word play has me dizzy!
Great work =)
this explains “word salad”….each crunchy bit is something you could eat on it’s own or stick your fork in and twist…
loiter the tryst
covet covert lust
This bit made me sad…a feeling of being used or spent….
unsent unsoldered
unsold, yet rent; runt
Luke….I am a huge fan of yours….the pieces you write that I don’t get or understand quickly, I usually use other’s comments to help me understand….and then I am just rocked out amazed how it all makes sense and it’s so cool…..
ps…you have no cliche in this piece :) good job!
peace my friend xo
great poem which made my brain work …really enjoyable thank you x x
Hey Luke. Ok- this is what i got from your poem – and I might be a million miles away! But- I imagined a scene, a barn maybe , a place where two lovers used to meet and make love under the stars – but that the relationship had soured – and the scene was being revisited by someone who now sees it with a much more jaded perspective. Probably totally off the mark- but I guess thats the power of words! Especially when they are quite cryptic – like a painting- you see what you see – might be different to what others see- but doesn’t mean that the composition is any less powerful. Really interesting form and style – will be checking more of your words!
This is amazing, the alliteration makes it read like a song…… Please tell me this took hours to perfect?
It’s great to re-visit this one. I remain completely enthralled with your wordplay and rhyme throughout this piece. wonderful cadence keeps the reader (at least this reader) moving at a steady clip through some rather blistering content…then we hit these two lines which are so beautiful–
skyline severs stars from clay
inkyblack clumps, silvery dots
…and then the last line delivers quite a punch. certainly evokes a lot of emotion.
you have a rare gift for bending/shifting/shaping words into brilliant and modern poetic verse.
always a joy to read. — C.
Thanks all, very much enjoy and appreciate your commentary
@zongrik No, not rehearsal around (lack of/insufficient) process… it’s one of my more cryptic pieces. If you look at the tags/categories beneath the piece, it gives a lot away vis-a-vis the theme
Luke I come to praise not to comment;
I have problem I think I am being witty when being really stupid ‘
I had a complete burnout at 27 years of age ,the storm lasted five years;
That is when I really felt old;
I am still in the escape mode now.
Never ever going back there ,again;
I decided to look at your poetry and your point of view
That is the thing I do.poke my nose in,and try to learn
From the punches I receive;;
I am doing so well,my nose is black and blue .
My favorite Hue.
Ken; Who is the you;you find disagreeable,just my view;not necessarily true.
@Kenneth holmes Thanks Kenneth – I really relate to that – 27 was when I had my complete burnout also. I’m still working through a lot of the crap. I know exactly how you feel. I feel old. But I’m getting younger as I rehabilitate. Thanks you.