training
rush of room
rapidly expanding
cracking plaster
rent mortar at right angles
uncornered; the right angle
pushing bricks rather
than passing them
thrill of room
precipitately expanding
sunsink flashes on the carriage
marriage of steel and speed
and it’s gone from the glass
(refill; replete)
fer-god’s-sake exhilarate of room
swiftly expanding
s p a c e
Categories: Autobiography, Luke Prater, Poetry Anxiety, convalescence, Free-verse, Freedom, Illness, Railway, Rehabilitation, Train, Travel
IMHO-this is excellent! Love the way you formatted, the compound word (sunsink), internal rhyme (carriage, marriage), all the images both visualized and felt as I read this poem.
I especially like the lines:
“and it’s gone from the glass
(refill; replete)”
Really cool image too, Luke.
@Ginny Thanks Ginny. Glad you got something out of it despite it being somewhat cryptic. The shot I took on the actual train trip and edited on iPhone
ha really nicely done…some great allit with your r’s and p’s as well…and the visual nature of the poem is well done…like the creative formatting…nice luke…
Really fine job here luke. There is so much in here. First off, I really like how you move from rapid to precipitous to swiftly, as each of these words, can and have been used synonymously, yet each have differences. So, with that in mind, I like how the piece moves from a measure of distance, to a measure of depth and finally to a measure of rate or time, very nicely done under the radar. The aside was a nice touch, as was the use of space, captioned by the word space. Anyhow, an outstanding piece that has a ton of extras in here, great job. Thanks
I like the way you’re playing with formatting in your poetry as of late, Luke. The formatting of this one adds another dimension and gives me the sensation of the train winding along the track. I can certainly relate to the theme here even though there is much left to the imagination. That’s the beauty of poetry…we get to fill in the gaps. Also love that you’ve used your own photo for this one…you’ve got such a collection of awesome pics you should use them more often :)
Cryptic, indeed. I had to read this one through, several times, to form a solid opinion on it. You have the alliteration and assonance, of course, that’s kind of to be expected of you (since you’re so good at both)…the form was an interesting touch. I like that the picture seems to be a negative image of a print (which in a way contrasts with the positive feeling of the poem). We still get the sense of “space” from the picture, but such heavy blackness makes it almost seem enclosed, which is the exact opposite of what the poem said to me. I also enjoyed what you did with the word in the last line. It completes the sense of the whole piece, in my opinion. It’s not my favorite of yours but it definitely has merit. :)
Nice manipulation – of format, words and spacing to deliver the dynamic of that new perspective. Quite a glow by the end.. :)
Great to be using your own pic… horizon expanding at speed.
Thanks for stopping by, friends.
@Dragon Ka-Tet The picture is not a negative despite the frame used – it’s shot on a pinhole camera simulation. If you see the tags/categories at the bottom of the poem, they will give quite a lot away as to the theme. Heavy blackness, yes, and the exact opposite – expansion, freedom, breaking out of that box. Cheers Corina
This is an interesting topic since it’s more common to feel a room closing in on you rather than expanding, giving rather than taking space. But the room itself isn’t expanding; the rush and thrill are stretching out.
I like the contrast between the train carriage and a borrowed living space, looking out at one while inside another.
This surprised me and seemed out of place:
“fer-god’s-sake exhilarate of room
swiftly expanding”
I would probably drop it and just end with ” s p a c e ”
These lines are very strong:
“rush of room
rapidly expanding”
“rent mortar at right angles
uncornered”
“thrill of room”
“and it’s gone from the glass
(refill; replete)”
@Shawna Thanks Shawna for the in-depth commentary/critique. It’s very much appreciated. Your intellect is scintillating
for me this sounds like one scream for freedom from those walls we can’t see and because of this it’s so difficult to get them out of the way…
Luke this one of those poems that just feels good in your mouth… well my mouth. :)
@Luke Prater
That is a very kind compliment. :) I too have deeply enjoyed our thoughtful exchanges.
Sometimes growth makes us claustrophobic. Excellent work, Luke *hug*
I agree with what’s been said but might add how much I love the ending.
hey man dropping back in for OLN…just to give you some love…smiles…great to see you!
I love the phrasing of this and the disorienting impression of train travel. This is my favourite stanza:
sunsink flashes on the carriage
marriage of steel and speed
and it’s gone from the glass
(refill; replete)
Excellent writing – loved the alliteration and the description of the train carriage:
“sunsink flashes on the carriage
marriage of steel and speed
and it’s gone from the glass
(refill; replete)”
The photo adds panache to the whole piece
Cryptic but nice write, Luke……………….
“sunsink flashes on the carriage
marriage of steel and speed
and it’s gone from the glass
(refill; replete)”.
Cryptic but interesting–lots of word play–and I like that–I am not sure where we went on this ride, but I had fun!
oh how i love a good cryptic poem! love the open space that allow for interpretation, i got the train, the travel, the temporary lightness of being…
love this.
Well clearly I didn’t read it the way everyone else did. I guess “I’m lost in the 50s tonight” or something. I thought of those cool car chassis that we called carriages and the speed and thrill of taking off into the distance on the flat Texas plains. It was all about sky, space, and time rolling out to the infinite. This poem took me right back to a dark-blue-crystalled Texas night and a ’57 Chevy impala…Man!
Oh yeah, and it was a kind of “training” for life. Read that a whole other way as well! Ha.
I find this both cryptic and strikingly claustrophobic, which in a way is funny since this creates such a serene sense of space in my head. Could it be said there is so much space it is making things crowded? I don’t know… I’ll have to read this again and again to get more out of it. I didn’t think of it as a train carriage at first until I read some of the comments. I just imagined a carriage of space, nothingness, moving about. I suppose I read into it in a more abstract point of view. This is where my not-being-a-native-speaker-of-English comes in the way and/or makes things rich in a different way…
Anyway. I’m babbling.
Lovely work! Really got my brain hurting, and it’s a good thing =)
You know, I still read your words and sit in awe with them, you really master it so well Luke. The growing pains of it all is just palpable in this, stunning work. All my best ~ Rosie
I love the conscience awareness of this piece…of walls/confines (both physical and emotional) collapsing, allowing the narrator some much sought after freedom. The sensation of the train rushing past these boundaries and out into the openness of the expanding space is palpable. The formatting of ‘space’ at the end of this piece is the perfecting ending (IMHO). Enjoyed this on the board…wonderful to see this piece reach is destination. Exceptional …the poem, and the ride.
Expanionism…. That is refreshing because my life has been going in the complete opposite direction for so long…. Captivating Luke…..
Ok… i first think this is the aftermath of drinking too many:) but maybe this is because my mind is drugged on pain meds at the moment:)
I really like your style luke!
Well, love the structure reflecting the structure, or expansion thereof. You got me, feeling the expansion, the pushing away to make the space. Great stuff.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving your words on mine, each and all of you
– Luke
Great words Luke.
sunsink flashes on the carriage
marriage of steel and speed
and it’s gone from the glass
(refill; replete)
Excellent words!
Anna :o]
@Anna :o] Thank ya!